distance

distance and time separate us
but life goes on
you have your own world
i have mine
but the memories we shared
will always stay in my mind.

i didn't know how many times i cried

feeling guilty for troubling people

feeling guilty for being such a nuisance

feeling down for making things difficult

feeling lost for making things complicated

i tried to think for others' good

without realizing that i complicated things

i tried to show a brave face

but still, in my heart i was crying

i didn't know how many times

i spent the day and night

crying my heart out

because i felt guilty

and this guilt is seriously killing me..!! 

i met abby today

today i met abby
a girl with a broken leg
her story made me frown
i felt sorry
i looked at her and i was confused
that she could still smile so brightly
after that tragedy
her story made me felt empty inside
that i was not as positive as her
to face life like a rock
but her story made me felt determined
to live my life better,
stronger than ever.

saying goodbye

it was hard to say goodbye
my tears fell like waterfall
nobody knew i cried my heart out
and you cried also
saying goodbye was painful
but you told me to move on
you told me to be strong
and here i am, wishing that i was stronger
without you here.

every little thing

that every little thing happened
was precious to me
whatever we shared
the stories, the secrets
made us close
every little thing that we went through
will stay with me
people can say anything
they don't understand
they didn't feel what we felt
they didn't share what we shared
and every little thing
made me feel grateful
that i knew someone like you.

memories

still haunting me

still staying close

still in my heart

are memories from the past

i had fun, really

they felt like family to me

they gave me memories

that will forever stay

good to be back

it's good to be back

after two months' break

i'm happy to see my friends

who are also happy to see me

this excitement, thirst for knowledge

that we share

make me feel contented

i look around me and see those smiling faces

although i'm not in the picture

i'm still happy

cause i choose to be.

life's good

life's good

and today seems like

a good day

maybe not for me

but for someone else.

you don't know me

you don't know me
who i really am
what i like
things i despise

you don't know me
but it's okay
cause i don't know you too
and i guess
we're even.

forever alone

my mom once told me
we're born alone
we'll die alone
so, it's no big deal
when i'm alone

forever alone
that's sad
but that's the truth
the reality
i've to face and survive.

real eyes realize real lies

why am i so... gullible?

am i stupid or what?

am i really that naive?

gosh, this is embarrassing!

i'm embarrassed to face myself

that i am so easily fooled

by them who are cruel

by them who saw me as prey

arrghhh.... stupid people! 

why do you have to make me feel like this?

why do you have to make me miserable?

and feeling ashamed of how i'm so gullible?

just some scars

just some scars from a life
that used to trouble me
i used to run
at first sight of the sun
now i lay here
waiting for a miracle to come

there's nothing to prove
there's no one to share
let's just hope
for a better tomorrow.

p/s: sight of the sun - fun

if i dive too deep

if i dive too deep
if i try to speak
if i get too weak

i hope someone will be there
to pull me out
to hear me out
to hold me close

and tell me
everything will be fine.
and i am fine.

p/s: if i dive too deep - red jumpsuit apparatus

if i can take a selfie of my soul

if i can take a selfie of my soul

would i want the world to see?

will it be white and pure?

or black and ugly?

when you're hurt

smile
even if you're hurt
your heart might be bleeding
but that's not important
just smile and say nice things
and pray and surrender to Allah
when you're hurt
when you're in pain
when you're in the verge of crying
just paste a smile on your face
just face the life challenges like they are nothing
because impossible is nothing
and you are actually nothing
if you don't smile
and try to make something.

honesty

i believe that being honest is good

i always tell myself that

no matter what

just say the truth

and be honest

and let's see what happens

are we so bad?

this question was asked by a close friend
i don't know about her
but i feel that i am bad
i didn't tell her
because i'm ashamed
sometimes i hate myself
sometimes i curse myself
but that didn't make me feel any better
i know the truth about me
and i know there's nothing i can do
to change it
i just hope that people will not find me so bad
although i know i am.

marriage for me

marriage for me

is a scary thing

for my friend

it's a self-destruction machine

do i want to get married?

should i?

what if...

i'm not meant to?

what will my parents say?

will they be ashamed or disappointed?

thinking about it gives me chills

truth is

i don't really want to get married

because i'm scared

if i can't handle it.

when a friend is hurt

she told me that she was sad
her friend treated her like dirt
i tried to understand
i tried to give support

but what can i do
how to make her feel better
i don't really know

when a friend is hurt
it makes me thinking
that i'm not the only one hurting
and we all share the same pain.

natural freak

maybe it's irrational

maybe i'm a natural freak

maybe things will be better

maybe i should just seek

what is the purpose of life

why am i still alive

maybe it's irrational

maybe i'm a natural freak

difficult

this is me
who i am
what i'm made of
there are things
flaws, weaknesses
that i want to change

i can be so difficult
i can be so quiet
i can be irrational
i can be emotional

i'm still searching
for the purpose of life
why am i alive
why am i here
and how will i be better.

she talked about life

she talked about life
i listened
she told me money is not everything
don't be obsess over it

she talked about things i never thought of
she talked like she's been living for a hundred years
when in reality she was just 2 years older
i admire her thinking
her philosophical words
made me wonder
when will i be like her
or will i ever be

she talked about life
and i listened
silently hoping that
i'd be more like her.

i truly believe

when i see people
who look different
have different faces, different heights
different shapes
tall, skinny, short, fat
i told myself
that this world is like this
made up with different people
who have different struggles
and i truly believe no matter what
each and every one of us
is precious.

she said i'm pretty

she told me i'm pretty
i didn't believe her
she told me i'm fine
i try to believe
but it's so hard
why do i have to think so lowly of myself?
why do i have to feel guilty at everything i do?
why do i have to feel that i'm never good enough?
why won't this ugly feeling leave me alone?
why? why?

she told me i'm pretty
she kept spouting praises
i didn't know what to tell her
so, i just laughed
i try to convince myself
that i'm not that bad
but the reality hurts me
and i don't know what to do next.

feeling guilty

i know i'm bad
sometimes i can be so difficult
i know i have many flaws
and now i'm feeling it
the ugly feeling
that conquers me
and makes me feel suffocated
i have choices to make
but why i'm feeling so guilty?

i don't know what's wrong with me
nothing feels right
nothing feels fulfilling
and i can just pray
that one day
i'll be better
and the world will be better with me.

wish to help

i wish to help them
to help myself
i'm awkward
and this awkwardness is here to stay
maybe if i help them
they will help me
to be better
i know there's not much i can do
but at least
something is better than nothing

they who live gratefully despite
life's challenges
they who never give up
no matter what
i wish to be of any help
to them who need it
the orphans who need me
and i who need them
to be better.

when the time comes

i know there's no escape
there's no other
who can help
except Him
who created us
gives us things
tests us to test our iman
when the time comes
i hope i'll be ready
to face another journey
that no one knows about
and when the time comes for me to leave
i hope i leave this world happily.

thank you Allah

it was like any other day
that i wake up
feeling grateful for still breathing
thank you Allah
for giving me time
to fix myself
to fix this emptiness inside me
i wish to be better
with every breath i take
i wish to contribute something
before i'm dead.

be grateful

be grateful

be thankful

love your self

love your loved ones

love those who matter

ignore those who don't matter

that's how to live

to be happy

and contented

to achieve some things

to be somebody

and i just have to always

be grateful.

forever

it's too long
too uncertain
forever, that is
no one knows
what will happen in future
who we'll meet
why or how

i wish love could stay forever
long lasting, not changing
but forever is just too long
too uncertain
too uncertain.

if suicide is not haram

if suicide is allowed
if taking your own life
was the answer
to every life's struggles
to every pain and sorrow
to every bit of suffering

if suicide is not haram
if those committing suicide
is not condemned to HELL
if, if, and if
too many ifs
is not good for you
just live your life
gratefully.

i'm thinking suicide

never good enough
never enough
never!
i'm thinking suicide
but...
i've always condemning
how stupid they are
those who picked suicide
those who would rather end their lives
than sorting out their problems
with head held high
isn't that stupid?
to commit suicide?
why end your own life
when you're given time to live
yeah, you are suffering
well, boohoo!
we all are (suffering)
but, still
suicide is never the answer
never the solution
even if you're so...
tired of suffering.

i am normal(?) or not(?)

am i scared of failures?

or 

am i scared of success?

these questions i've asked myself

not once or twice

but still, no answer

i'm still doubting myself

things i can do

things i can't do

even though i try so hard

to convince that i am also like them

i am no less than anybody else

i am normal

that's why i also can succeed, right?

that's why i also can overcome these fears, right?

that's why i am also somebody, right?

well, whatever

i'm just trying to be positive here.

are you...?

are you...
disappointed with me?
this question i wanted to ask
but have no courage
what if you are
(disappointed of me?)
then, what should i do?
what could i do?

i also want to change
to be better
more... likeable(?)
but...but...but...
hmm...
(*sighs)

words i didn't say

i love you
these words i've always wanted to tell you
but i'm too
shy(?) to say it loud
i hope you know
even without me uttering it
that i love you so much
it's just that i can't find the...
courage(?) to say it.

real friends

real friends stay 

when others leave

sympathize when others judge

smile to you

laugh with you

not AT you

real friends are rare

special

and precious

they smile and laugh with you

not AT you.

annoying

i know i can be difficult

blank

blur

quiet

but i'm trying, (can't you see?)

trying to be something

something more than just

annoying.

validate people - the Validator

wow, you have a nice smile!

what's going on, why are you glowing?

hey, did i tell you: you look awesome?

by the way, i like your dress

wow, you look fresh!

validate people

make people feel good

make them smile

act crazy

loosen up a bit

don't take life so seriously

why?

cause you're not getting out alive anyway.

(*grins)

Alert!!!

Please bear in mind that what i wrote were partially real and partially fiction with the tendency to exaggerate. I tend to exaggerate a lot in my head and it's translated in my writing. Have a nice day, awesome people. Thanks for reading. :)

i like to think that what i wrote are some kind of a genre of poetry called 'freestyle poem/free verse(?)'. i tried to make it rhyme but it's not easy. so, enjoy (or maybe not) ?? :)

Blur

someone told me i look blur(?)

maybe i do

because it's the easiest way

to go through everything

pretending that everything was fine

even though it is really not

pretending not to care

even though i actually care a lot

faking a smile

when my heart cries

(no big deal)

sometimes i ask myself

am i still alive?

or already dead?

why am i sleepwalking?

where am i actually going?

who knows?

me vs them

silent screams filled my head
tears brimming in my eyes
unspoken emotions stirred me restless
shaking feet made me wonder
what the heck is wrong with me

but i realized it was nothing
compared to them
they who bathed in blood
and cried tears of pain
lived in fear
and they smiled when
someone was taking their picture.

p/s: watch parodi 'Separuh Aku' by Mr. Bie/VitaminBie

cold

i felt bad

most of the time

and wonder

at the same time

why i'm always so cold

where is the warmth in me

it felt empty

replaced by coldness

that disgusted me

i can't find it in me

and how to get rid of the awkwardness

that's keeping me down

on my knees.

today i met her

i was having brunch
alone as always
she came to me
greeted me
smiling kindly
i must have looked friendly to her
(even though i honestly don't think so)

she asked me if the seat was empty
i nodded silently
and she smiled at me
she went to buy some food
then came back
and sat down and ate with me

today i met her
and she told me she was always alone too
and it actually didn't really matter
anymore.

suffering in silence

suffering in silence
suffering alone
crying over things
that i can't change
feeling regret at things (stupid things)
i did

in silence, alone
in a dark room
in a strange crowd

still suffering
still silent
still alone.

suffer i

'if you can learn to suffer better

then you'll suffer much less'

like it's possible to learn how to suffer

are there know-hows?

or guidelines?

or some kind of instructions?

when i need something to ease the pain

i choose humor

and jokes

9gag really made my day

nigahiga also

running man too

even if the laughter was temporary

even if the smiles fade away

i'm still thankful

for still having something to laugh about

even though i'm alone.

... ???

days pass, time flies

the good old times

were long gone

pain, hurt, sorrow

make me miserable

make me cried

happy days

oh, happy days

please come to me.

to my friends

friends, i miss you girls
i miss the times we were together
having fun
singing songs
eating out
walking together side by side

friends, i hope you don't forget me
'cause i always remember you girls
you are in my heart
our memories stay with me
and comfort me
when i'm sad or lost
or hurt

friends, i'm sorry
for not saying i love you
but in my heart
i do, i really do
how i wish i could go back to the good old times
and you girls were laughing with me

21 years of living on planet earth

2nd May is my birthday. nothing special really, just a reminder that i'm getting older and should be getting wiser and stronger i guess. i don't think my life is that happy or fulfilling or satisfying or whatever, but i also don't think it's meaningless or worthless because as bad as i am, i still think that my life does worth something or so i hope.

i've never been that kind of friend who would remember my friends birthday (yeah, i'm not a good friend) or give them presents or what. so, i didn't really expect anybody to remember my birthday or do anything about it, but i'm glad someone did. she gave me a cake. to be honest, i'm touched. it made me reflect and think why i can't be more like her. 

it made me think why am i so cold? where's the warmth in me gone? i really have no idea. truth be told, i'm really bad in expressing myself and i'm that kind of girl who would cry alone and hide. i think it's just me being ME.

yeah, so enough rant for tonight. i hope i will be a better person and achieve great things in life or so. ciao. :)

 

hope my heart is strong enough

i really hope my heart is strong enough

to go through everything

that life has in store for me

will i forever be alone?

will someone come and brighten my days?

put a smile on my face?

hug me tight when i need it?

stay with me when everybody else leaves?

believe in me when i feel weak?

i really hope my heart is strong enough

to go through life

if that someone never found me.

happy

happy?

happy.

happy!

i'm happy?

i'm happy.

i'm happy!

i'm smiling, see?

that means i'm happy

extremely happy, right?

what is happy anyway

life still goes on

and i'm happy

genuine or fake

it doesn't matter

and i'm happy 

because 

you can see me smile.

when i drink coffee

i like coffee

coffee is bitter, yes

but so is life

there's some sweetness

but bitterness was the rest

when i drink coffee

i feel a little bit more alive

my eyes open a bit more wide

my heart beats a bit more fast

and i feel energized

when i drink coffee

i like the smell and the taste

remind me of my life

with every sip i take

and i feel a little bit more alive.

as i listen to the songs

as i listen to the songs
i realized that
we're all the same
trying to find some escape
or a reason to hold on
been going through hell
and trying to look for answers
feeling like giving in
but can't because of certain things
that actually matter

as i listen to the songs
i saw my own life reflected perfectly
and i'm ashamed that
sometimes i was too quick to give up
and let the chances pass me by
while still struggling
with my own
internal battles.

that girl...smiling in tears

i saw that girl smiling looking at the others as they joked around and had fun. she wanted to be a part of them but she just couldn't. she felt like a shadow and she felt too tired to care. deep in her heart, she wished that someone out there consider her their best friend or a friend they would remember every now and then. i saw that girl smiling, but i also saw her heart bleeding inside. it was a pitiful sight and that girl was a pitiful sight. so sad but there was nothing she or i could do. i saw that girl as she faked a smile and sleepwalking through out the day and the next. nothing got better, just some added unneeded scars in her shallow heart. life still went on and sadly, that girl was still smiling with tears in her heart.

smile in tears

i see people having fun

with their friends

and wish that i was a part of them

but sometimes i feel just so tired

to even care

i smile

but my heart is crying inside

nobody knows, nobody cares

and i'm feeling more distant

than ever

i just want to feel belonged

and have people i can call my own

i just want to feel accepted

without having to pretend

or fake a smile

every single time.

Stay

so many times i've thought about leaving
and running away
and hiding
but where should i go?
i need to find where i belong
somewhere i feel safe
and happy

so many times i've thought about giving up
and giving in
and surrender
but what should i do after?
i don't have anything
still here, still stuck in this sorrow
still sad

i wanted to run away
but i have to stay
i have no better reason
other than that
and until i find a solid reason
i just have to stay.

i wish someone out there consider me their best friend

all the time

feeling all alone

feeling worthless

feeling insecure

but

i really hope that

someone out there

consider me their best friend.

why am i so distant?

this question i've asked myself
over and over again
i dived in my heart
trying to look for an answer
but i couldn't find
why am i so distant?
why am i so cold?
why am i so... insecure?
i wish i had some kind of answers
and solve this mystery

why am i so distant?
i've no answer
but
i wish i'm not.

Pain

this feeling is killing me inside

hate to think like this

but this is what i feel

trying to pull myself together

and hide behind a mask

pretending i'm not hurt

displaying a brave face

when in fact, my heart was bleeding

but, do they care?

of course not

pain, please, go away

leave me alone

i beg you

i have enough pain that i feel numb

i'm sleepwalking

like a zombie

drowning, stuck in pain

sometimes i just want to put a full stop

to this crappy feeling.

Makes Me Wonder

how they treated me

makes me wonder

if they consider me friend

or

if i'm so easily bullied

or

if they thought i'm weak or stupid

or 

if they just don't care

wasn't expecting a sorry

but at least

say something soothing

didn't get that

they just ignored

and pretended that everything was fine

i hate to say

but i felt so ****ing worthless

an existence no difference from a shadow

or maybe that was all about me

to them.

choices

live or die
persevere or give up
stand tall or fall on the ground
step on people or be stepped by people

life's an endless choices
we just have to make the 'right' ones...

i'm home sick

what is this feeling?

why do i feel so empty?

when will i find something worthwhile to die for?

where should i look for it?

who should i consult?

so many questions

not a single answer

i'm still here

trapped in this sorrow

puzzled by the life's endless maze

troubled over things i can't change

i'm at home

but feel so empty

i'm with family

but feel so distant

no one understands

no one tries to reach out

and i'm still here

wondering.

when life gives you lemon

life is unfair to everybody

to me, to you, to them

that makes life fair,

won't you agree?

when life gives you lemon

take it and blend it 

to make a nice lemonade

it may be bitter or sour

but we can always add more sugar

and drink it in one short shot.

home is not home anymore

when home is not home anymore
it's sad, frustrating, suffocating
i feel empty inside
no one understands, not that anyone tries to
i'm a puzzle, a complicated maze
i'm trapped inside this sorrow
not going anywhere
not achieving anything
feels so useless, worthless, meaningless
wants to feel useful, worth it and meaningful
but my life is my life
still crappy
still empty
and sadly,
home is not home anymore.

why is it so hard?

why is it so hard?
to get some love
pure love
unconditionally
don't i deserve that?
am i so bad?
or so worthless?
to taste some real love?
this life is not that crappy
sometimes
but most of the time
it feels useless
meaningless
still, i keep on going
never give up, or give in
i just need to find some place
somewhere i can return to
to get some real love
and live a real life
that makes me feel alive.

where i belong

somewhere i don't belong
people i don't own
love i never found
some friends are enemies
even myself
is my enemy
should be the opposite
my life travels in reverse
why?
why so hard to feel belonged to some place?
this emptiness
so frustrating
so suffocating
sometimes i just want everything to end
what a crappy life!
what a crappy life!
but life...
goes on.

Uncertainties

reach out

open up

express yourself

life's short

time's running out

tomorrow

will it be too late?

i hope not.

step by step

endure. persevere. survive

one more day passed

i'm still here

wondering

what ifs

what could have been

if i did a little bit better

if i tried a little bit harder

something would have been better than nothing

(*sigh)

something is definitely better than nothing!

Suicide; Not an option

Suicide

I’ve thought about that

To just end this misery

To just give up and vanish

To just stop

Suicide

I’ve never tried it

I’m too timid, too scared

My parents would be worried

And i don’t want them sad

Suicide

Is not an option

Even when life gets too tiring

Even when you feel that you’ve had enough

There’ll be no excuse apt enough

To commit suicide.

what i fear

One more step

Increasing heartbeats

Deafening silence

Merciless stares

Are they judging me?

Perhaps.

One last step

Sweating palms

Trembling like a leaf

Pulling myself together

Are they laughing at me?

Perhaps.

With every step I took

I felt smaller

inferior

insecure

But I’ve made up my mind

No matter what I’ve to overcome

And rise above this fear

Triumphantly.

Broken people

It was sad to see beautiful people

Being tossed to the

ground, broken

Being broken by the people they loved, miserable

Being played like a toy, useless

I did feel for them

Their stories so heavy and dark

Represented their own nightmares

That they’d rather not share

I understood very well

I knew it wasn’t easy

I admired their will to move on

While hoping for a better tomorrow.

Hidden things

What hidden should remain hidden

That’s what i always thought

The dark past

The fragments of nightmare

That i’d rather not share

Not because they’ll laugh

Not because they didn’t care

But because of me

The conflicting me

That keep doubting myself

Until i myself feel tired

To keep going  on.

Life & Imperfection

I’ve seen people suffering

Drowning

Losing themselves

In imperfection

People will judge

Some will laugh

Some will criticize

But it doesn’t really matter

Fears are around

Haunting everyone

Without a solid reason

So, stand strong

Lift your face and smile

Live your life

And die knowing

You’ve done your very best.

that girl... a regret

i could see that girl, occupied in front of her laptop watching a variety show, ignoring her studies. she was supposed to study for her exams and she knew that, but the show was more interesting, more tempting and too hard to ignore. that girl knew that she was wasting her precious time when she kept procrastinating. she knew that, but being a fool that she was, she kept doing that. when the result was announced, that girl had little expectation because she knew she was not being serious. she knew she had managed to let herself down. again. today, that same girl was trying to get back on her feet. she was trying to gather her scattered self and moving on. that girl knew the past failure was her own fault. in fact, failure is a choice they say.

stu.dying

studying

study + dying = stuDYING

wow! how apt it's been put together

how well matched those two words are

students study 

some hard

some smart

the others just don't care

how, why?

these questions haunt me

how to study for the sake of knowledge?

why am i here at university if i didn't study?

it's still a mystery to me

but i know i'm not alone

those doubts, those questions

i know they have it too

knowledge is power they said

knowledge is precious

knowledge is...?

knowledge. 

(*sighs)

life and choices

life is about making choices

all choices lead to another choices

and the choices would open new opportunities

life is like that

debating, battling personal conflicts

too much problems

too little solutions

no way to run or hide

no one to share stories

don't know what to do

i want (choose) to live

i want (choose)  to smile

i want (choose)  to be happy

life is a gift.

marriage

marriage
what is it to you?
or me?

marriage is...
responsibility
yes, it's not that fun my mom once told me
it'll start with happiness and joy
but eventually
everything will turn into a routine
a repeated, boring routine over and over again
love doesn't last forever
it's a sad truth we have to accept

marriage is...
knife?!
i don't understand
where does knife come from into this?
it's a dangerous thing
you could get hurt
if you're careless
so, marriage = danger(ous)?

love is a good thing
being in love is good
but love doesn't provide food, or a big house
or pay the bills

being in love is life
but
don't forget to guard your heart
and live your life.

that friend of mine

i see her smiling, laughing
battling her own personal fight
i knew her for a long time already
but never knew she had such
a dark past
a depressing, suffocating, dark past
that even the strongest would fall limp
on the ground
hurt and battered
emotionally, psychologically
i admire her strength, her courage
her willpower to move on

i hope she'll be happy
and keep moving on.

life is fair

have you ever felt like running away?
or vanish into thin air
when life felt so suffocating
when whatever you do was never enough
when people put you down
when you felt so tired
you just want to stop

their stories made me thinking
they had dark pasts
abusive parents, ungrateful boyfriends,
heartless friends
their lives were miserable
their lives were depressing
their lives were suffocating
not that mine was not

i should be thankful
be happy and move on
life is like that
life is unfair to everyone
and that...
makes life fair.

that girl on the stage... a memory

i could still see that girl. she was probably ten or eleven. standing alone on the stage in front of hundreds of strangers trying to compose herself. i could see her trembling hands and feet, heck, her whole body was shaking like a leaf. she heard the questions, but she couldn't answer because her mouth was so dry and her lips were like glued together. however, she tried her best to answer the given questions. she could feel the silence deafening her. the merciless staring and judging from the people seated in front of her was too much for her to handle. she could even hear someone laughing at her or maybe it was just in her head. she quickly answered the question with whatever courage that she had and run off stage. it was so embarrassing that she felt ashamed of herself. she felt like she had failed those who trust her and had high expectation on her and the most regrettable thing was that she felt she had failed herself.

the incident was just a small part of her life from her childhood and she hated to revisit the time again. she never recovered from the self blaming and up till now still wonder how or what should she do to overcome that experience? she wanted to be free from those regrets and be a new, confident person.

Quoted from someone; "Speak your mind even though your voice shakes!!!" 

suicide is not an option

suicide
thought about it
never attempt it
too timid, too scared
of the consequences
i don't want my parents sad

suicide
she told me she attempted it
she just wanted out
she just wanted the misery
to stop
she just wanted to be free
happy again

i listened to their stories
their lives suck
not that mine is not
just i think i'm luckier
i should be thankful

suicide
not an option
no excuse apt enough
to commit
suicide.

reminder

all my works are real + fiction, don't really take them seriously. i can be a little/a lot crazy sometimes. :D i also like to exaggerate in my writing, so, you know... read at your own risk! letters of complaints or emails will not be entertained! >peace<

really fake

i sigh looking into the mirror
i saw me
can you keep a secret?
*looks right, looks left, whisper*
i don't really like myself
*sigh*
i wonder how to like myself
i wonder how others will like me
if i don't like myself
so i build a wall around myself
i wear mask when around strangers
even around those i consider friends
i still hold back
i wonder what it's like
to be real
*sigh*
i don't know anymore
what's real or fake
it's been too long
all the innocence has long gone
do you know what's the sad thing is?
me, that is.
*sigh*

rm fever

i watched running man

and laughed by myself

my bros shooting weird look at me

like i care

they asked me what's so funny

i told them not to watch running man

not like they want to

they like mma more

violent stuff, punches and kicks

broken bones and teeth

*sigh~* boys...

this is bad

running man is bad

i regretted for ever watching

i'm addicted to it

song jihyo is my bias

is it weird for me to like a female cast

when there are six other male casts?

i don't know

i don't care

the numbers

i saw the numbers
ouch!
it hurts
like a slap on my face
whose fault is it?
*sigh*
i knew the answers
it was mine
my fault
my ignorance
my... foolishness

i tried to reason
tried hard not to frown
or cry
i did this to me
serve me right
i should just slap myself
for behaving like this
like a fool

*sigh*
i just hope things will get better
and i'll find what i'm looking for
which i still try to figure out
*sigh*
yeah, it's sad, really.

i am a mystery, even to me

sometimes i ask myself
why am i still alive?
many times i felt useless
many times i felt like running away
or vanish into thin air
gone with the wind

many times i failed
many times i survived
many times i regretted
many times i cried

but that many times were becoming a routine
not that i feel proud
or happy
just trying to figure out
who am i
the real me
that not even myself know.

r.e.g.r.e.t.

i'm feeling it now

it's an ugly feeling

a feeling i hate

but still can't avoid

it threatens to swallow me

crushing me to pieces

like i'm nothing

like i'm useless

i know it's my own fault

i've tried to reason with myself

i've tried to make myself see

but i'm too stubborn to listen

even to myself

i knew it

the moment i stepped into the darkness

i knew i'll feel this feeling

and i'm right

as always

it's a feeling i'm trying to get rid of

a feeling so cruel i feel suffocated

a feeling called 'REGRET'!