that girl... a regret

i could see that girl, occupied in front of her laptop watching a variety show, ignoring her studies. she was supposed to study for her exams and she knew that, but the show was more interesting, more tempting and too hard to ignore. that girl knew that she was wasting her precious time when she kept procrastinating. she knew that, but being a fool that she was, she kept doing that. when the result was announced, that girl had little expectation because she knew she was not being serious. she knew she had managed to let herself down. again. today, that same girl was trying to get back on her feet. she was trying to gather her scattered self and moving on. that girl knew the past failure was her own fault. in fact, failure is a choice they say.

stu.dying

studying

study + dying = stuDYING

wow! how apt it's been put together

how well matched those two words are

students study 

some hard

some smart

the others just don't care

how, why?

these questions haunt me

how to study for the sake of knowledge?

why am i here at university if i didn't study?

it's still a mystery to me

but i know i'm not alone

those doubts, those questions

i know they have it too

knowledge is power they said

knowledge is precious

knowledge is...?

knowledge. 

(*sighs)

life and choices

life is about making choices

all choices lead to another choices

and the choices would open new opportunities

life is like that

debating, battling personal conflicts

too much problems

too little solutions

no way to run or hide

no one to share stories

don't know what to do

i want (choose) to live

i want (choose)  to smile

i want (choose)  to be happy

life is a gift.

marriage

marriage
what is it to you?
or me?

marriage is...
responsibility
yes, it's not that fun my mom once told me
it'll start with happiness and joy
but eventually
everything will turn into a routine
a repeated, boring routine over and over again
love doesn't last forever
it's a sad truth we have to accept

marriage is...
knife?!
i don't understand
where does knife come from into this?
it's a dangerous thing
you could get hurt
if you're careless
so, marriage = danger(ous)?

love is a good thing
being in love is good
but love doesn't provide food, or a big house
or pay the bills

being in love is life
but
don't forget to guard your heart
and live your life.

that friend of mine

i see her smiling, laughing
battling her own personal fight
i knew her for a long time already
but never knew she had such
a dark past
a depressing, suffocating, dark past
that even the strongest would fall limp
on the ground
hurt and battered
emotionally, psychologically
i admire her strength, her courage
her willpower to move on

i hope she'll be happy
and keep moving on.

life is fair

have you ever felt like running away?
or vanish into thin air
when life felt so suffocating
when whatever you do was never enough
when people put you down
when you felt so tired
you just want to stop

their stories made me thinking
they had dark pasts
abusive parents, ungrateful boyfriends,
heartless friends
their lives were miserable
their lives were depressing
their lives were suffocating
not that mine was not

i should be thankful
be happy and move on
life is like that
life is unfair to everyone
and that...
makes life fair.

that girl on the stage... a memory

i could still see that girl. she was probably ten or eleven. standing alone on the stage in front of hundreds of strangers trying to compose herself. i could see her trembling hands and feet, heck, her whole body was shaking like a leaf. she heard the questions, but she couldn't answer because her mouth was so dry and her lips were like glued together. however, she tried her best to answer the given questions. she could feel the silence deafening her. the merciless staring and judging from the people seated in front of her was too much for her to handle. she could even hear someone laughing at her or maybe it was just in her head. she quickly answered the question with whatever courage that she had and run off stage. it was so embarrassing that she felt ashamed of herself. she felt like she had failed those who trust her and had high expectation on her and the most regrettable thing was that she felt she had failed herself.

the incident was just a small part of her life from her childhood and she hated to revisit the time again. she never recovered from the self blaming and up till now still wonder how or what should she do to overcome that experience? she wanted to be free from those regrets and be a new, confident person.

Quoted from someone; "Speak your mind even though your voice shakes!!!" 

suicide is not an option

suicide
thought about it
never attempt it
too timid, too scared
of the consequences
i don't want my parents sad

suicide
she told me she attempted it
she just wanted out
she just wanted the misery
to stop
she just wanted to be free
happy again

i listened to their stories
their lives suck
not that mine is not
just i think i'm luckier
i should be thankful

suicide
not an option
no excuse apt enough
to commit
suicide.

reminder

all my works are real + fiction, don't really take them seriously. i can be a little/a lot crazy sometimes. :D i also like to exaggerate in my writing, so, you know... read at your own risk! letters of complaints or emails will not be entertained! >peace<

really fake

i sigh looking into the mirror
i saw me
can you keep a secret?
*looks right, looks left, whisper*
i don't really like myself
*sigh*
i wonder how to like myself
i wonder how others will like me
if i don't like myself
so i build a wall around myself
i wear mask when around strangers
even around those i consider friends
i still hold back
i wonder what it's like
to be real
*sigh*
i don't know anymore
what's real or fake
it's been too long
all the innocence has long gone
do you know what's the sad thing is?
me, that is.
*sigh*

rm fever

i watched running man

and laughed by myself

my bros shooting weird look at me

like i care

they asked me what's so funny

i told them not to watch running man

not like they want to

they like mma more

violent stuff, punches and kicks

broken bones and teeth

*sigh~* boys...

this is bad

running man is bad

i regretted for ever watching

i'm addicted to it

song jihyo is my bias

is it weird for me to like a female cast

when there are six other male casts?

i don't know

i don't care

the numbers

i saw the numbers
ouch!
it hurts
like a slap on my face
whose fault is it?
*sigh*
i knew the answers
it was mine
my fault
my ignorance
my... foolishness

i tried to reason
tried hard not to frown
or cry
i did this to me
serve me right
i should just slap myself
for behaving like this
like a fool

*sigh*
i just hope things will get better
and i'll find what i'm looking for
which i still try to figure out
*sigh*
yeah, it's sad, really.

i am a mystery, even to me

sometimes i ask myself
why am i still alive?
many times i felt useless
many times i felt like running away
or vanish into thin air
gone with the wind

many times i failed
many times i survived
many times i regretted
many times i cried

but that many times were becoming a routine
not that i feel proud
or happy
just trying to figure out
who am i
the real me
that not even myself know.

r.e.g.r.e.t.

i'm feeling it now

it's an ugly feeling

a feeling i hate

but still can't avoid

it threatens to swallow me

crushing me to pieces

like i'm nothing

like i'm useless

i know it's my own fault

i've tried to reason with myself

i've tried to make myself see

but i'm too stubborn to listen

even to myself

i knew it

the moment i stepped into the darkness

i knew i'll feel this feeling

and i'm right

as always

it's a feeling i'm trying to get rid of

a feeling so cruel i feel suffocated

a feeling called 'REGRET'!