life's good

life's good

and today seems like

a good day

maybe not for me

but for someone else.

you don't know me

you don't know me
who i really am
what i like
things i despise

you don't know me
but it's okay
cause i don't know you too
and i guess
we're even.

forever alone

my mom once told me
we're born alone
we'll die alone
so, it's no big deal
when i'm alone

forever alone
that's sad
but that's the truth
the reality
i've to face and survive.

real eyes realize real lies

why am i so... gullible?

am i stupid or what?

am i really that naive?

gosh, this is embarrassing!

i'm embarrassed to face myself

that i am so easily fooled

by them who are cruel

by them who saw me as prey

arrghhh.... stupid people! 

why do you have to make me feel like this?

why do you have to make me miserable?

and feeling ashamed of how i'm so gullible?

just some scars

just some scars from a life
that used to trouble me
i used to run
at first sight of the sun
now i lay here
waiting for a miracle to come

there's nothing to prove
there's no one to share
let's just hope
for a better tomorrow.

p/s: sight of the sun - fun

if i dive too deep

if i dive too deep
if i try to speak
if i get too weak

i hope someone will be there
to pull me out
to hear me out
to hold me close

and tell me
everything will be fine.
and i am fine.

p/s: if i dive too deep - red jumpsuit apparatus

if i can take a selfie of my soul

if i can take a selfie of my soul

would i want the world to see?

will it be white and pure?

or black and ugly?

when you're hurt

smile
even if you're hurt
your heart might be bleeding
but that's not important
just smile and say nice things
and pray and surrender to Allah
when you're hurt
when you're in pain
when you're in the verge of crying
just paste a smile on your face
just face the life challenges like they are nothing
because impossible is nothing
and you are actually nothing
if you don't smile
and try to make something.

honesty

i believe that being honest is good

i always tell myself that

no matter what

just say the truth

and be honest

and let's see what happens

are we so bad?

this question was asked by a close friend
i don't know about her
but i feel that i am bad
i didn't tell her
because i'm ashamed
sometimes i hate myself
sometimes i curse myself
but that didn't make me feel any better
i know the truth about me
and i know there's nothing i can do
to change it
i just hope that people will not find me so bad
although i know i am.

marriage for me

marriage for me

is a scary thing

for my friend

it's a self-destruction machine

do i want to get married?

should i?

what if...

i'm not meant to?

what will my parents say?

will they be ashamed or disappointed?

thinking about it gives me chills

truth is

i don't really want to get married

because i'm scared

if i can't handle it.

when a friend is hurt

she told me that she was sad
her friend treated her like dirt
i tried to understand
i tried to give support

but what can i do
how to make her feel better
i don't really know

when a friend is hurt
it makes me thinking
that i'm not the only one hurting
and we all share the same pain.

natural freak

maybe it's irrational

maybe i'm a natural freak

maybe things will be better

maybe i should just seek

what is the purpose of life

why am i still alive

maybe it's irrational

maybe i'm a natural freak

difficult

this is me
who i am
what i'm made of
there are things
flaws, weaknesses
that i want to change

i can be so difficult
i can be so quiet
i can be irrational
i can be emotional

i'm still searching
for the purpose of life
why am i alive
why am i here
and how will i be better.

she talked about life

she talked about life
i listened
she told me money is not everything
don't be obsess over it

she talked about things i never thought of
she talked like she's been living for a hundred years
when in reality she was just 2 years older
i admire her thinking
her philosophical words
made me wonder
when will i be like her
or will i ever be

she talked about life
and i listened
silently hoping that
i'd be more like her.

i truly believe

when i see people
who look different
have different faces, different heights
different shapes
tall, skinny, short, fat
i told myself
that this world is like this
made up with different people
who have different struggles
and i truly believe no matter what
each and every one of us
is precious.

she said i'm pretty

she told me i'm pretty
i didn't believe her
she told me i'm fine
i try to believe
but it's so hard
why do i have to think so lowly of myself?
why do i have to feel guilty at everything i do?
why do i have to feel that i'm never good enough?
why won't this ugly feeling leave me alone?
why? why?

she told me i'm pretty
she kept spouting praises
i didn't know what to tell her
so, i just laughed
i try to convince myself
that i'm not that bad
but the reality hurts me
and i don't know what to do next.

feeling guilty

i know i'm bad
sometimes i can be so difficult
i know i have many flaws
and now i'm feeling it
the ugly feeling
that conquers me
and makes me feel suffocated
i have choices to make
but why i'm feeling so guilty?

i don't know what's wrong with me
nothing feels right
nothing feels fulfilling
and i can just pray
that one day
i'll be better
and the world will be better with me.

wish to help

i wish to help them
to help myself
i'm awkward
and this awkwardness is here to stay
maybe if i help them
they will help me
to be better
i know there's not much i can do
but at least
something is better than nothing

they who live gratefully despite
life's challenges
they who never give up
no matter what
i wish to be of any help
to them who need it
the orphans who need me
and i who need them
to be better.

when the time comes

i know there's no escape
there's no other
who can help
except Him
who created us
gives us things
tests us to test our iman
when the time comes
i hope i'll be ready
to face another journey
that no one knows about
and when the time comes for me to leave
i hope i leave this world happily.

thank you Allah

it was like any other day
that i wake up
feeling grateful for still breathing
thank you Allah
for giving me time
to fix myself
to fix this emptiness inside me
i wish to be better
with every breath i take
i wish to contribute something
before i'm dead.

be grateful

be grateful

be thankful

love your self

love your loved ones

love those who matter

ignore those who don't matter

that's how to live

to be happy

and contented

to achieve some things

to be somebody

and i just have to always

be grateful.

forever

it's too long
too uncertain
forever, that is
no one knows
what will happen in future
who we'll meet
why or how

i wish love could stay forever
long lasting, not changing
but forever is just too long
too uncertain
too uncertain.

if suicide is not haram

if suicide is allowed
if taking your own life
was the answer
to every life's struggles
to every pain and sorrow
to every bit of suffering

if suicide is not haram
if those committing suicide
is not condemned to HELL
if, if, and if
too many ifs
is not good for you
just live your life
gratefully.

i'm thinking suicide

never good enough
never enough
never!
i'm thinking suicide
but...
i've always condemning
how stupid they are
those who picked suicide
those who would rather end their lives
than sorting out their problems
with head held high
isn't that stupid?
to commit suicide?
why end your own life
when you're given time to live
yeah, you are suffering
well, boohoo!
we all are (suffering)
but, still
suicide is never the answer
never the solution
even if you're so...
tired of suffering.

i am normal(?) or not(?)

am i scared of failures?

or 

am i scared of success?

these questions i've asked myself

not once or twice

but still, no answer

i'm still doubting myself

things i can do

things i can't do

even though i try so hard

to convince that i am also like them

i am no less than anybody else

i am normal

that's why i also can succeed, right?

that's why i also can overcome these fears, right?

that's why i am also somebody, right?

well, whatever

i'm just trying to be positive here.

are you...?

are you...
disappointed with me?
this question i wanted to ask
but have no courage
what if you are
(disappointed of me?)
then, what should i do?
what could i do?

i also want to change
to be better
more... likeable(?)
but...but...but...
hmm...
(*sighs)

words i didn't say

i love you
these words i've always wanted to tell you
but i'm too
shy(?) to say it loud
i hope you know
even without me uttering it
that i love you so much
it's just that i can't find the...
courage(?) to say it.

real friends

real friends stay 

when others leave

sympathize when others judge

smile to you

laugh with you

not AT you

real friends are rare

special

and precious

they smile and laugh with you

not AT you.

annoying

i know i can be difficult

blank

blur

quiet

but i'm trying, (can't you see?)

trying to be something

something more than just

annoying.

validate people - the Validator

wow, you have a nice smile!

what's going on, why are you glowing?

hey, did i tell you: you look awesome?

by the way, i like your dress

wow, you look fresh!

validate people

make people feel good

make them smile

act crazy

loosen up a bit

don't take life so seriously

why?

cause you're not getting out alive anyway.

(*grins)

Alert!!!

Please bear in mind that what i wrote were partially real and partially fiction with the tendency to exaggerate. I tend to exaggerate a lot in my head and it's translated in my writing. Have a nice day, awesome people. Thanks for reading. :)

i like to think that what i wrote are some kind of a genre of poetry called 'freestyle poem/free verse(?)'. i tried to make it rhyme but it's not easy. so, enjoy (or maybe not) ?? :)

Blur

someone told me i look blur(?)

maybe i do

because it's the easiest way

to go through everything

pretending that everything was fine

even though it is really not

pretending not to care

even though i actually care a lot

faking a smile

when my heart cries

(no big deal)

sometimes i ask myself

am i still alive?

or already dead?

why am i sleepwalking?

where am i actually going?

who knows?

me vs them

silent screams filled my head
tears brimming in my eyes
unspoken emotions stirred me restless
shaking feet made me wonder
what the heck is wrong with me

but i realized it was nothing
compared to them
they who bathed in blood
and cried tears of pain
lived in fear
and they smiled when
someone was taking their picture.

p/s: watch parodi 'Separuh Aku' by Mr. Bie/VitaminBie

cold

i felt bad

most of the time

and wonder

at the same time

why i'm always so cold

where is the warmth in me

it felt empty

replaced by coldness

that disgusted me

i can't find it in me

and how to get rid of the awkwardness

that's keeping me down

on my knees.

today i met her

i was having brunch
alone as always
she came to me
greeted me
smiling kindly
i must have looked friendly to her
(even though i honestly don't think so)

she asked me if the seat was empty
i nodded silently
and she smiled at me
she went to buy some food
then came back
and sat down and ate with me

today i met her
and she told me she was always alone too
and it actually didn't really matter
anymore.

suffering in silence

suffering in silence
suffering alone
crying over things
that i can't change
feeling regret at things (stupid things)
i did

in silence, alone
in a dark room
in a strange crowd

still suffering
still silent
still alone.

suffer i

'if you can learn to suffer better

then you'll suffer much less'

like it's possible to learn how to suffer

are there know-hows?

or guidelines?

or some kind of instructions?

when i need something to ease the pain

i choose humor

and jokes

9gag really made my day

nigahiga also

running man too

even if the laughter was temporary

even if the smiles fade away

i'm still thankful

for still having something to laugh about

even though i'm alone.

... ???

days pass, time flies

the good old times

were long gone

pain, hurt, sorrow

make me miserable

make me cried

happy days

oh, happy days

please come to me.

to my friends

friends, i miss you girls
i miss the times we were together
having fun
singing songs
eating out
walking together side by side

friends, i hope you don't forget me
'cause i always remember you girls
you are in my heart
our memories stay with me
and comfort me
when i'm sad or lost
or hurt

friends, i'm sorry
for not saying i love you
but in my heart
i do, i really do
how i wish i could go back to the good old times
and you girls were laughing with me

21 years of living on planet earth

2nd May is my birthday. nothing special really, just a reminder that i'm getting older and should be getting wiser and stronger i guess. i don't think my life is that happy or fulfilling or satisfying or whatever, but i also don't think it's meaningless or worthless because as bad as i am, i still think that my life does worth something or so i hope.

i've never been that kind of friend who would remember my friends birthday (yeah, i'm not a good friend) or give them presents or what. so, i didn't really expect anybody to remember my birthday or do anything about it, but i'm glad someone did. she gave me a cake. to be honest, i'm touched. it made me reflect and think why i can't be more like her. 

it made me think why am i so cold? where's the warmth in me gone? i really have no idea. truth be told, i'm really bad in expressing myself and i'm that kind of girl who would cry alone and hide. i think it's just me being ME.

yeah, so enough rant for tonight. i hope i will be a better person and achieve great things in life or so. ciao. :)