hope my heart is strong enough

i really hope my heart is strong enough

to go through everything

that life has in store for me

will i forever be alone?

will someone come and brighten my days?

put a smile on my face?

hug me tight when i need it?

stay with me when everybody else leaves?

believe in me when i feel weak?

i really hope my heart is strong enough

to go through life

if that someone never found me.

happy

happy?

happy.

happy!

i'm happy?

i'm happy.

i'm happy!

i'm smiling, see?

that means i'm happy

extremely happy, right?

what is happy anyway

life still goes on

and i'm happy

genuine or fake

it doesn't matter

and i'm happy 

because 

you can see me smile.

when i drink coffee

i like coffee

coffee is bitter, yes

but so is life

there's some sweetness

but bitterness was the rest

when i drink coffee

i feel a little bit more alive

my eyes open a bit more wide

my heart beats a bit more fast

and i feel energized

when i drink coffee

i like the smell and the taste

remind me of my life

with every sip i take

and i feel a little bit more alive.

as i listen to the songs

as i listen to the songs
i realized that
we're all the same
trying to find some escape
or a reason to hold on
been going through hell
and trying to look for answers
feeling like giving in
but can't because of certain things
that actually matter

as i listen to the songs
i saw my own life reflected perfectly
and i'm ashamed that
sometimes i was too quick to give up
and let the chances pass me by
while still struggling
with my own
internal battles.

that girl...smiling in tears

i saw that girl smiling looking at the others as they joked around and had fun. she wanted to be a part of them but she just couldn't. she felt like a shadow and she felt too tired to care. deep in her heart, she wished that someone out there consider her their best friend or a friend they would remember every now and then. i saw that girl smiling, but i also saw her heart bleeding inside. it was a pitiful sight and that girl was a pitiful sight. so sad but there was nothing she or i could do. i saw that girl as she faked a smile and sleepwalking through out the day and the next. nothing got better, just some added unneeded scars in her shallow heart. life still went on and sadly, that girl was still smiling with tears in her heart.

smile in tears

i see people having fun

with their friends

and wish that i was a part of them

but sometimes i feel just so tired

to even care

i smile

but my heart is crying inside

nobody knows, nobody cares

and i'm feeling more distant

than ever

i just want to feel belonged

and have people i can call my own

i just want to feel accepted

without having to pretend

or fake a smile

every single time.

Stay

so many times i've thought about leaving
and running away
and hiding
but where should i go?
i need to find where i belong
somewhere i feel safe
and happy

so many times i've thought about giving up
and giving in
and surrender
but what should i do after?
i don't have anything
still here, still stuck in this sorrow
still sad

i wanted to run away
but i have to stay
i have no better reason
other than that
and until i find a solid reason
i just have to stay.

i wish someone out there consider me their best friend

all the time

feeling all alone

feeling worthless

feeling insecure

but

i really hope that

someone out there

consider me their best friend.

why am i so distant?

this question i've asked myself
over and over again
i dived in my heart
trying to look for an answer
but i couldn't find
why am i so distant?
why am i so cold?
why am i so... insecure?
i wish i had some kind of answers
and solve this mystery

why am i so distant?
i've no answer
but
i wish i'm not.

Pain

this feeling is killing me inside

hate to think like this

but this is what i feel

trying to pull myself together

and hide behind a mask

pretending i'm not hurt

displaying a brave face

when in fact, my heart was bleeding

but, do they care?

of course not

pain, please, go away

leave me alone

i beg you

i have enough pain that i feel numb

i'm sleepwalking

like a zombie

drowning, stuck in pain

sometimes i just want to put a full stop

to this crappy feeling.

Makes Me Wonder

how they treated me

makes me wonder

if they consider me friend

or

if i'm so easily bullied

or

if they thought i'm weak or stupid

or 

if they just don't care

wasn't expecting a sorry

but at least

say something soothing

didn't get that

they just ignored

and pretended that everything was fine

i hate to say

but i felt so ****ing worthless

an existence no difference from a shadow

or maybe that was all about me

to them.

choices

live or die
persevere or give up
stand tall or fall on the ground
step on people or be stepped by people

life's an endless choices
we just have to make the 'right' ones...

i'm home sick

what is this feeling?

why do i feel so empty?

when will i find something worthwhile to die for?

where should i look for it?

who should i consult?

so many questions

not a single answer

i'm still here

trapped in this sorrow

puzzled by the life's endless maze

troubled over things i can't change

i'm at home

but feel so empty

i'm with family

but feel so distant

no one understands

no one tries to reach out

and i'm still here

wondering.

when life gives you lemon

life is unfair to everybody

to me, to you, to them

that makes life fair,

won't you agree?

when life gives you lemon

take it and blend it 

to make a nice lemonade

it may be bitter or sour

but we can always add more sugar

and drink it in one short shot.

home is not home anymore

when home is not home anymore
it's sad, frustrating, suffocating
i feel empty inside
no one understands, not that anyone tries to
i'm a puzzle, a complicated maze
i'm trapped inside this sorrow
not going anywhere
not achieving anything
feels so useless, worthless, meaningless
wants to feel useful, worth it and meaningful
but my life is my life
still crappy
still empty
and sadly,
home is not home anymore.

why is it so hard?

why is it so hard?
to get some love
pure love
unconditionally
don't i deserve that?
am i so bad?
or so worthless?
to taste some real love?
this life is not that crappy
sometimes
but most of the time
it feels useless
meaningless
still, i keep on going
never give up, or give in
i just need to find some place
somewhere i can return to
to get some real love
and live a real life
that makes me feel alive.

where i belong

somewhere i don't belong
people i don't own
love i never found
some friends are enemies
even myself
is my enemy
should be the opposite
my life travels in reverse
why?
why so hard to feel belonged to some place?
this emptiness
so frustrating
so suffocating
sometimes i just want everything to end
what a crappy life!
what a crappy life!
but life...
goes on.